Quotes from Mitch Hedberg

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting.

I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say 'What?'. So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says 'What?'. But really it's just some insignificant sh*t that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, 'That tree is far away.'

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load his sh.. into a truck.

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said F**k it. Cut 'em up.

What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fu.. is a sesame?! It's a street... It's a way to open sh.....

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, "Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.