Quotes from Mitch Hedberg

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!

See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for 'sale'. Please alphabetize 'it'."

We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. That's a showbiz term for "Add sugar to".