Quotes from Mitch Hedberg

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.