Quotes from Garrison Keillor

The reason to retire is to try to avoid embarrassment; you ought to do it before people are dropping big hints. You want to be the first to come up with the idea. You don't want to wait until you trip and fall off the stage.

I'm not busy... a woman with three children under the age of 10 wouldn't think my schedule looked so busy.

Zoroastrians believe in one Great Almighty Spirit of Good who is in combat against evil forces, and Goodness prevails in the end. There is no self-flagellation or staring at the sun or snake-handling.

Men peak at age nineteen and go downhill.

Some people have a love of their fellow man in their hearts, and others require a light anesthetic.

She gave him such a look... Man oh man, if looks could kill. That one might have totalled a city block.

Enough. Man is capable of reform once presented with the facts, and the fact is that bottling water and shipping it is a big waste of fuel, so stop already.

Second violins can play a concerto perfectly if they're in their own home and nobody's there.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

We thank you [the soldiers recently returned from the middle east] for your service.

Love has the power to rescue us and not let go, otherwise it isn't love

That's why God created marriage, so people wouldn't have to fight with strangers.

March is the month God created to show people who don't drink what a hangover is like.

God plays a lot of jokes on us to get our attention.

It is more worthy in the eyes of God . . . if a writer makes three pages sharp and funny about the lives of geese than to make three hundred fat and flabby about God or the American people.

Scripture doesn't promise that God will remove temptation, only that you'll be given strength to withstand it.

Cleverness is a burden after that. You are supposed to settle down and be a good person, raise your children, and be good to your friends, which you may not have been back when you were clever.

Some of us have a relentless urge to attempt what we can never be good at and neglect our true calling.

A good friend is a person who thinks you're one of the good eggs, even if he knows you're a little cracked.

I think the most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.'

I like to sing and it's just really fun to sing, and I don't get too much. And at my house I'm not allowed to because, you know, your children can't stand it when you sing at home.

Humor is not a trick, not jokes. Humor is a presence in the world - like grace - and shines on everybody.

Humor, a good sense of it, is to Americans what manhood is to Spaniards and we will go to great lengths to prove it.

It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake.