Quotes from Garrison Keillor

It's important for survival that children have their own experiences, the kind they learn from. The kind their parents arrange for are not as useful. Good parents are the hardest to get rid of.

The Gospel is meant to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.

Marrying for sex is like flying to London for the free peanuts and pretzels. It's not the point of the thing, is it?

When NASA started sending up astronauts, they discovered that ballpoint pens don't work in zero gravity. So they spent twelve million dollars and more than a decade developing a pen that writes under any condition, on almost every surface. The Russians used a pencil.

Computers can never completely replace humans. They may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity.

I used to think that kid might become a preacher. Now I don't see how he's going to stay out of prison. Nobody in this family ever went to prison for sex crimes. He'd be the first. Yes, says Jesus, you never know about these things. He and Grandpa are drinking cups of coffee and eating ginger snaps. Grandpa says, When are you planning to return to earth? Soon as I finish this coffee, say Jesus. Pretty good, isn't it.

The rich can afford to be progressive. Poor people have reason to be afraid of the future.

You're such a big liar you gotta get your neighbor to call your dog.

Just because we're fictional characters doesn't mean you can pick us up and move us anywhere you want.--the people of Lake Woebegon

A good newspaper is never good enough, but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.

Never say anything bad about a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. By then he's a mile away, you've got his shoes, and you can say whatever you want to.

Demagogues thrive in dim light.

It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming.

I longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so I got a dog. It's cheaper, and you get more feet.

Free enterprise runs on self interest. This is socialism and it runs on loyalty . . . if people were going to live by comparison shopping, the town would go bust . . . If you live there you have to take it as a whole. That's loyalty.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

Did you know that half of all people are below average?

Lutherans don't hold bingo games in the church basement. Lutherans are against fun in general, which is why for them, birth control has never been a big issue.

If you can't read a simple goddam sign and follow one simple goddam instruction then get your fat butt the hell out of here.

What would people think?' Jesus said that people think all sorts of things. The human mind is like a cloud of gnats. Constant motion. That's why you have to look at the heart. 'Oh,' said Grandpa.

Years ago, manhood was an opportunity for achievement, now it is a problem to be overcome.

The living wander away, we don't hear from them for months, years—but the dead move in with us to stay.

My God, rich people have the time to praise You if they want to, but the poor people are so busy, accept their work as praise because, my God, they don't have time for everything.

The drag queen walks into a Catholic church as the priest is coming down the aisle swinging the incense pot. And he says to the priest, "Oh, honey, I love your dress, but did you know your handbag's on fire?