Quotes from Garrison Keillor

Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn't funny. It's a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because then it's not a surprise anymore.

Humor needs to come in under cover of darkness, in disguise, and surprise people.

If the marriage needs help, the answer almost always is have more fun. Drop your list of grievances and go ride a roller coaster.

In California virtually everyone has had their teeth whitened. If they all smiled at once, they would give us a headache.

Hurry up! Do it – get it done. You got work to do. Don't put this off and don't take the long view. Life is today and tomorrow, and if you are lucky, may be next week.

Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted.

Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

TV news is as bloody as Shakespeare but without the intelligence and the poetry. If you watch television news you know less about the world than if you drank gin out of a bottle

Cursing is highly effective in person - someone kicks his car in rage, forgetting he's wearing flip-flops, flames pour from his mouth, and it's impressive. But you see it in print, and it's just ugly.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

We come from people who brought us up to believe that life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.

It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.

... life itself is brief, and that is what charges the day with such ridiculous beauty.

One reads books in order to gain the privilege of living more than one life. People who don't read are trapped in a mine shaft, even if they think the sun is shining.

You can go your whole life and not need math or physics for a minute, but the ability to tell a joke is always handy.

Life is unjust and this is what makes it so beautiful. Every day is a gift. Be brave and take hold of it.

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

When you're a little kid, your heart is open and tender and a harsh word can go straight in and become part of your life.

Powdermilk biscuits: Heavens, theyre tasty and expeditious! Theyre made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the strength to get up and do what needs to be done

It's confidence; it has to be something good about getting old. One of the things is that you just don't stress about some stuff that made you so worried.

Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known.

I want to resume the life of a shy person.

Life is continuous. Life never stops. We come to the really great questions and before we can answer them, life has moved on to something else.

The funniest line in English is 'Get it?' When you say that, everyone chortles.