Quotes from Garrison Keillor

The father of a daughter is nothing but a high-class hostage. A father turns a stony face to his sons, berates them, shakes his antlers, paws the ground, snorts, runs them off into the underbrush, but when his daughter puts her arm over his shoulder and says, 'Daddy, I need to ask you something,' he is a pat of butter in a hot frying pan.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

I think the most un-American thing you can say is "You can't say that."

God writes comedy but sometimes has a slow audience.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

That's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.

Thank you, dear God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough. Thank you for the rain. And for the chance to wake up in three hours and go fishing: I thank you for that now, because I won't feel so thankful then.

The father of a daughter is nothing but a high-class hostage. A father turns a stony face to his sons, berates them, shakes his antlers, paws the ground, snorts, runs them off into the underbrush, but when his daughter puts her arm over his shoulder and says, "Daddy, I need to ask you something," he is a pat of butter in a hot frying pan.

If the marriage needs help, the answer almost always is have more fun. Drop your list of grievances and go ride a roller coaster.

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head.

A good newspaper is never quite good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.

I'm not busy... a woman with three children under the age of 10 wouldn't think my schedule looked so busy.

Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted.

A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.

Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.

The little town that time forgot, that the decades cannot improve.

God writes a lot of comedy the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

To choose Norm Coleman over Walter Mondale is like going to a great steakhouse and ordering the tuna sandwich.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

Nothing you do for children is ever wasted.