Quotes from Demetri Martin

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

I am a man of my word… and that word is "unreliable.

I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions... and comparisons.

There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.

If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'

I need to develop some patience - immediately.

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.

I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okie dokie.' 'The good news is, she's okie dokie. The surgery went fine.'

Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'.