Quotes from Demetri Martin

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

Love is, and I hope it never isn't.

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

I love Steven Wright.

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.

I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it's done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play it, and I need the attention.

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!

I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe.

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.

My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.

Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.

As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton".

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.