Quotes from Demetri Martin

In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?

If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.

Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.