Quotes from Demetri Martin

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.

When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?'

It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible.

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.

Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.

I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.