Quotes from Demetri Martin

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.

If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

This is a pie chart about procrastination.

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.