Quotes from Demetri Martin

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'

I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.