Quotes from Demetri Martin

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.

Usually my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

I never set out to do a sketch show.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.

I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'