Quotes from Demetri Martin

People only have so much attention.

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.

Probably the scariest thing about cemeteries is that music they play in your head when you drive by one.

The thing about glitter is, if you get it on you be prepared to have it on you forever because glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.

Hiking is just walking where it's okay to pee.

It takes so little to make a stranger's day, and even less to totally ruin it.

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out.

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.