Quotes from Demetri Martin

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

To me, comedy is a game.

A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you

Clowns have no respect for pie.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

Hiking is just walking where it's okay to pee.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40 000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. "Hey man, what are you playing?" "Super Busy Hospital, could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery. This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times."

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

The thing about glitter is, if you get it on you be prepared to have it on you forever because glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.