Quotes from Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.

We aim to please... You aim too, please.

There is no spark like the one ignited under the aspirations of a new graduate.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

What is a home without children? Quiet.

Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.