Quotes from Karl Pilkington

If you're doing the same job every day, there's room for error.

People say if bees die out, the world would end, apparently. Now, I don't know if that's true, if that's some bee enthusiast who managed to write a good document, and people believe this.

To me, a cat is an easy pet, they don't need any spoiling or looking after.

Being honest with you, it's not the 'great' wall of China. It's an all right wall. It's the 'All Right Wall of China.'

I'd say the best is when I was in Africa, I saw a hippo in a house. Someone had a pet hippo. And they're meant to be one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, and they had one that was sort of just wandering in and out of their house, just sort of roaming about.

People eat duck and you think, well, we've got loads of chickens, leave the ducks alone!

I've never thought about it before, but I suppose bad people might need someone to pray to, too.

I think it's a problem when something's a dream because it'll never live up to your expectations. It's better to go somewhere thinking it'll be horrible, and then be pleasantly surprised.

I've always found cherubs a bit sinister. The idea of winged babies flying around with no nappies on seems like an accident waiting to happen. There would be shit everywhere. If I saw a cherub flying about in real life it would terrify me, whereas a Cyclops, which is another mythical being, wouldn't scare me at all, as it's just a bloke with one eye. He'd be registered disabled and get a decent parking space in today's world.

Kids are like farts in that way. They never seem to bother the owner as much as they bother everyone else.

There are more idiots in the world than bright ones, but it's the odd good one that makes a big difference.

I've always wanted to kick a duck up the ass.

I've found out that Malakula was named by Captain James Cook. It comes from the French mal au cul which means 'pain in the arse' after Cook found it difficult to deal with cannibals, volcanoes and other annoying features. It's good to know proper explorers sometimes share the feelings I have on my travels.

We seem to live in a world where you have to walk around grinning like a loon. I can't understand all the fuss about Mona Lisa painting, everyone wondering why she's not smiling, if she's depressed or heartbroken. No, she was just normal! Emotions are always extreme these days: you either have to be crying with laughter or crying in pain. No wonder water levels are rising. It's not global warming, it's all the tears from crying.

A block of blood should not have the word cake after it...they might as well say shite gateau

Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain?

Honestly, all the trouble Noah went to saving the animals two by two and now we're making handbags out of them. I

I think happiness is a bit like a cake. If you have cake every single day of your life you'll get sick of it. If you're happy everyday, you'll get sick of being happy… That's a good saying actually. Happiness is like a cake. Have too much and you'll get sick of it.

Research shows that arranged marriages last longer, and I wonder if it's down to the fact that it's other people putting you together, like when a family member buys you a gift it's not easy to throw it away, as there's a chance they'll come to visit and ask where it is and get upset when you say you've binned it.

A slug is always on its own. It is a lonely insect.

A life without death would be like a day without sleep.

I'd prefer to have a world of grumpy considerate people than happy selfish ones.

DONNA: She doesn't like office equipment, so we let her come out here and tear up office equipment. For people who don't like TVs, they can break TVs. If you don't like cars, you can break cars. If you don't like living-room things, you can break living-room things. Do you have something that you don't like? KARL: Vandalism. So this doesn't really work for me, does it?

I don't like jellyfish, they're not a fish, they're just a blob. They don't have eyes, fins or scales like a cod. They float about blind, stinging people in the seas, And no one eats jellyfish with chips and mushy peas. Get rid of 'em!