Quotes from Joan Rivers

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

I was a Brownie Scout mother.

I've always been salaried; I've never owned anything. I've done very well, lived very well.

I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

Life does not measure up to performing... Performing is perfect.

I love Katy Perry! She's very charming.

With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'.

I walk on a stage, and I know if it's been a good show or not. You know when it's been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it's a good show. And you know when you've messed up.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened.

You hear things about certain people. When you hear someone was mean to a limo driver or a wardrobe lady, or someone was rotten to a fan, somewhere in your brain it gets stuck.

Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.

Reading should be a pleasure, not a chore.

I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery.

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds.

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.