Quotes from Joan Rivers

If you don't think you're funny, no one else will.

There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.

Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.

Never floss with a stranger.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.