Quotes from Joan Rivers

I love the way my life has fallen into place.

What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.

I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.

I just get such a connection from an audience. You play with them. I get mad at them. I yell at them. They yell at me. It's just fun.

It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride.

You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials.

Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

Nobody wants to hear that you met Harry Truman... I met Harry Truman... But you know what I mean? Nobody's interested. They want to know you met Rihanna. And that kills me.

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.

I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.

I could stop and live carefully but that's ridiculous. I don't want to live carefully.

I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.

He loves to eat - he puts mayonnaise on an aspirin.

I take him to McDonald's just to watch him eat and see the numbers change.

He has more chins than a Chinese phone book.

We Can't Afford to Doubt Ourselves I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door-or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.