Quotes from Joan Rivers

Don't worry about the money. Love the process.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of them.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.

moving on is a gift you give yourself.

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.

I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.

Happiness, at my age, is breathing

Omaha is a little like Newark, without Newark's glamour.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.

My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.

I could pull my living in and live OK, but I don't want to live OK. I'm very happy to live in my penthouse, very happy I can pick up a check, very happy to have a great life and be able to spread my wealth a little bit.

Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.

When I am on E! for the 'Fashion Police,' I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends.

I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him.