Quotes from Joan Rivers

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly -- hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.

If God wanted us to bend over he would put diamonds on the floor

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Listen. I wish I could tell you it gets better. But, it doesn't get better. You get better.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Ginger did everything Fred did, only backwards and in High Heels!

It's obvious that women are smarter than men. Think about it - diamonds are a girl's best friend; man's best friend is a dog.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

If you have more than a couple of kids, you're not parents—you're hoarders. And hoarding is a disorder, not a gift.

I'm tired of dealing with crazies. When did it become my job to manage your mental illness?