Quotes from Joan Rivers

Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and embarrassment. They are the pollen in the air we breathe.

People say it is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money you can have a key made.

Humor doesn't come out of the good times, it comes out of the anger, pain and sorrow. Always the anger.

The revelation that personal truth can be the foundation of comedy, that outrageousness can be cleansing and healthy…

But if the kid is really, really, really ugly, I'll think What the hell? and just give up and say, 'Where'd you buy the crib?

Sharon and Kelly Osbourne. I love the way they put aside ther difference and united for a commom purpose: trying to figure out what the hell Ozzy was saying.

No internet?" I was stunned. No digital camera. No cell phone. No Google. No drugs. No wine. Why it was almost like my mother's house in 1972.

When I was born, my mother asked, 'Will she live?' The doctor said, "Only if you take your foot off her throat

I hate everyone, starting with myself. (Title of her autobiography.

Marvin Gaye Music superstar Marvin Gaye was shot to death by his father. In court the father said, "This is probably the worst thing I've ever done." Probably??????

you either do or do not have a comedy mind, whatever that is, maybe a heightened sense of the ridiculous and the absurdity of life…We are all crazy and crazed.

but I think comedy is more aggressive than that. It is a medium for revenge. We can deflate and punish the pomposity and the rejection which hurt us. Comedy is power.

It gathers emotionally inside you, in a strange way a by-product of struggle, of a willingness to do anything, try anything, expose yourself to anything — staying in motion because sooner or later those ripples will cause change.

Chances are no one is speaking to you in some secret code that can only be cracked by an enigma machine.

I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I am a huge 'Downton Abbey' fan - huge!

You can find my book at your favorite bookstore, and if it isn't there, find a new favorite.

It's feast or famine in showbiz.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.

I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes, stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me that gets this chicken's vote.

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.