Quotes from Joan Rivers

The only good thing about age is that sooner or later all of the SOBs who dumped you are going to die.

Look, I could go on and on and on telling you why I hate myself, but it's so self-centered…and I'm not like that. I'm a giver. So I'd rather branch out and start giving it to everyone else.

I find that kind of "look at me" narcissism terribly inconsiderate. If you need attention that badly, set yourself on fire.

Hey, you're taking up the entire sidewalk, bitch!" She scowled and yelled, "I have children!" I yelled back at her, "Well, next time give your husband a blow job and you won't! Why should I have to walk into oncoming traffic because you don't want to give a little head?

We wanted to do it, and we did it and we don't give a damn",

If you're going to die, die interesting! Is there anything worse than a boring death? (Other than a Charlie Rose marathon on PBS?) I think not. When my time comes I'm going to go out in high style. I have no intention of being sick or lingering or dragging on and on and boring everyone I know.

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it.

I hate people who sneak into first class to use the bathroom. I'm sitting there, in 4F, sipping Cristal and admiring my new line of jewelry for QVC, and suddenly, busting through the curtain and rushing toward the bathroom is some doughy soccer mom holding her crotch and yelling, "Emergency, emergency!" No, it's not!!! Opening the main hatch and pushing you out at thirty thousand feet for disturbing me is an emergency.

Tyra's always standing up for herself and her "race" over perceived slights. For example, she'll say, "You just pushed me because I'm black!" No, I pushed you because the train was coming right at you, you bulimic twit.

I have never learned how to tell somebody something good about myself; that should be a secret they must find out .

Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world like dust.

I hate Hollywood fund-raisers. I am so bored going to a twenty-five million dollar house to hear a mogul say, "Good news, everyone. Tonight we've raised almost twelve thousand dollars!" You paid your gay hustler more than that, you cheap thing. Why not spare all of us the canapés, small talk and crème brûlée and just write a damn check?

Everything comes out of smoke and mist and nothingness, a mystical happening…

I hate weddings. Weddings are nothing more than catering with virgins. Sorry, in the old days it was virgins; now it's baby mommas.

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door—or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

I had a blind date with a dentist — and he told me to come back in six months.

Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed. . . . I am a proud non-reader of books. —KANYE WEST (Reuters, May 2009) This book be dedicated to Kanye West, because he'll never fuckin' read it.

I hate Arizona. It always eight hundred degrees outside and everybody's always saying, "But it's a dry heat!" So's the inside of my microwave.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.

I am driven. Being driven is my energy source. It is my fun.…I believe that where there is action, there is movement, and those ripples will eventually produce something positive.

Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a crusade with me to strip life down to what really is true.

When you begin to losing your audience, do not get loud; get quiet, make them find you and come back to you.

I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math — if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?