Quotes from Joan Rivers

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they're reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

When you whisper about something, it's too big, and you can't get it under control and take control of it.

Every television show you go on is a choice.

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.

Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.

I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes–and six months later you have to start all over again.

I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

If you don't yell during labor, you're a fool. I screamed. Oh, how I screamed. And that was just during the conception.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum - "My God, the floor's immaculate. Lie down, you hot bitch."

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Never floss with a stranger.