Quotes from Joan Rivers

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

Every time I get on an airplane I figure it's gonna get blown up. You live on the edge.

Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.

Self-pity shortens your life.

if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.

My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f-king doctor.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

I get butterflies before I go out to say hello at a party.

I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.

Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

I've never thought of it consciously... I say exactly what I think, and very often it's totally politically incorrect. I get, always, chastised for it. So it's not shtick. But I think I'm the one who says, 'The emperor has no clothes.'

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now...once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.