Quotes from Joan Rivers

Any comic is a very good actor. Look at Don Rickles. He is saying the same joke every night for 20 years and making it look like he just thought of it.

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud.

Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.

Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn't have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive.

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

What makes me laugh is, of course, the absurd, the horror - anything that upsets me.

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

13. I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.

You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.

I think I've lost 3lbs - I'm very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.

Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.