Quotes from Joan Rivers

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.

Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death.

Any form of complacency is the kiss of death for any professional.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

I was not an attractive child.

My audiences get younger all the time.

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous.

Don't talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again

I've learned you don't always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing.

Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them.

I hate housework! You make the beds you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again.

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy award voter with a tampon in her purse.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.