Quotes from Joan Rivers

On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

Fat jokes aren't relevant, but they're hilarious when you find them.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.

I hate Billings Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck - no models. You open a catalog and point.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit the stores are open late and thanks to television you can shop in bed.

I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.

After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.

I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

You're going to get what I think is the truth, and it's going to be raw.

Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.

I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.

You don't marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.

Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.