Quotes from George Carlin

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.

I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.

An art thief is a man who takes pictures.

Meanwhile, followers of Eastern religions are sitting in the middle of their minds, experiencing a bliss and a level of consciousness that Western man can't begin to approach.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.

I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.

I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.

Broadway isn't a very big career move. There's no money in it and it doesn't mean anything to your career. It's just a nice little jewel in the crown.

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.

In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.

Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

When people asked me, "Do you get high to go onstage?" I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning.

By the age of six or seven, I was already doing voices and faces, making my friends and my mother laugh.

Mother's milk leads to everything.

My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.'

Somebody once said that Hollywood is based on a lot of producers deliberately making bad movies, and every now and then somebody gets lucky.