Quotes from Rita Rudner

I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night.

If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention.

I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.'

Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it.

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

Individuality in dressing is not important to men. If they all look alike it means they haven't made a mistake.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

Men who write love letters don't live in this century.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

All men would still really like to own a train set.

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.