Quotes from Mitch Hedberg

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?"

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.