Quotes from Steven Wright

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.

I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it

Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?