Quotes from Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.