Quotes from Groucho Marx

I am a man and you are a woman. I can't think of a better arrangement.

If he's been married for 31 years, he's not the same man.

I hope they bury me near a strait man

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

Blood's not thicker than money.

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

Money cannot buy you happiness, and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it.

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.

Patience is the art of finding something else to do.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Africa is God's country, and He can have it.

I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me

I'm not going to pay good money to join a club that lets in people like me.

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

The Arab and the camel are inseparable. It's been said that and Arab would give up his wife rather than give up his camel. Personally, I haven't got a camel, but I think it's a great idea.